The Road of NEVER

The Road of “NEVER”

There are many times that I wonder if God is sitting on His throne laughing at things that we say. I bet there are times when I was listing off my list of adoption demands that He was saying, “Oh just wait and see.” 

When Justin and I started our adoption journey in January 2009, we had a list of things that we would NEVER do! Little did we know that we would walk down the road of “NEVER”. 

One of our very first things that we swore we would NEVER do was to have an open adoption. We stood firm on this until a few months before we knew about Hannah’s birth mom. We saw how beautiful and wonderful an open adoption could be. God slowly started to change our hearts and our minds. By the time that Hannah was born, an open adoption was a perfect fit. Not only do we keep in contact with her birth mom, we also visited her this past summer. She will always have a place in our life.

After the long journey to Hannah and holding my sweet girl in my arms, I said I was NEVER going through another adoption. Early on Justin kept saying that he wanted to have another child and I stood firm that I would not walk this journey again. However, God had different plans. I remember the Sunday that everything changed. I stood next to a dear friend during praise and worship and clearly felt the Holy Spirit moving. As they were singing, I had tears pouring down my face when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that our family was not complete. In that moment, I knew I had to walk this journey again. I am so glad that I didn’t know how painful the next few years were going to be because I honestly do not think that I would have stepped out in faith.

After losing our birth mom and baby in September 2013, I swore I was NEVER going through another adoption. A few months later, I was on Facebook when I saw a woman post about her adoption agency on a post that I had commented on. For some reason I felt the need to contact her. I eventually called her and told her our journey. We sent her our home study and figured that if it happens then great but if not, we would be okay. We had been with her for over a year when she called me one morning. She had a birth mom that was giving birth and we had about an hour to make a decision. We finally decided that we were not going to peruse the adoption. I NEVER imagined myself saying “No” to a baby. That “No” spared us from major heart break. (See Thankful for God saying "No")

We have been on this journey for so long and many people said that we should look into fostering. We have said that we would NEVER foster, however, I did start to have some questions. We talked with our adoption director and realized that there was another side of the fostering that we could do. We would not do a traditional fostering but could adopt a child that their parent’s rights have already been terminated. We talked a bit about it and decided to go for it. We have now completed our home study and are waiting to be licensed. We always said that we would NEVER adopt out of birth order and Hannah would always be our oldest. Well…. We will be licensed for up to 8 years old. EEK…. Makes me nervous but I know we are where we are supposed to be. In the coming months or year our family will probably grow.

I am so glad that we are walking this road of NEVER. If we had stood firm, we would not have the life we do now. God has changed us on this road and we are stronger because of it. My God is so good. We are about to start a chapter in our life that I thought I would NEVER do and I could not be more excited. I cannot wait to share our next journey with you as we are hoping to add another (maybe 2?). It might be time to change this blog title. Journey to Baby Number 2 does not seem like it fits. J

Please join us and praying for our family as we are walking this road. I will update with more information as I can. As of now, we are waiting.  

 

 

His Timing

My whole world turned upside down 2 weeks ago. We were told of a possibility to adopt a baby. We briefly met the birth mom and I contacted the attorneys office that day. We did not have a current home study and the birth mom was due in a week. After finding out that we would have enough time to get everything done, I met with the birth mom. Everything felt right and we did not feel God was telling us no!

This past Wednesday my whole world came crashing down around me. I received a message from our birth mom. The birth dad was in the picture and was wanting the baby. My heart sank and I couldn't breathe. I sent a message to the attorneys office and quickly received a phone call back. They proceeded to tell me that the birth dad was wanting custody. For the past week and a half I was waiting for the phone call telling me that the birth mom was in labor. Now, I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces.

I am broken. I desperately wanted to add to our family. I wanted to see Hannah as a big sister and to complete our family. However, God reminded me that it is all in His timing. Constantly I'm having to remind myself that I need to praise Him in the storm. Part of me wants to throw the towel in and say we're done. I don't want to go through this pain again. I'm tired of walking this road and having it end in a broken heart. However, I know my God is bigger than this. I know that God has a plan for our family and has a plan for this journey. Hannah might be our only child and we are okay with that but we cannot allow our pain to scare us away from what God has planned for us. For now, we began to heal. We will lean on each other, our family, our friends, and more importantly on God! 

Friends, please know that God does have a plan for you. His timing is perfect. Yes, this hurts and I don't understand why we have to go through this again. However, I also know that God is carrying us through this time. I'm not giving up hope and my prayer today is that you don't either. Whatever you're waiting on, just know that God will come through in the perfect time.

Thankful for God saying "No"

I have been planning on updating for awhile and have not made the time. This post is very different from what I was originally was going to post. Quick update: we are updating our home study since we have moved. We are having to fill out all of the paper work again and get lots of information for our coordinater. Hopefully we will be ready to go soon!

Yesterday, I received a phone call that I never expected to get. On the other end of the line was the adoption agency we have been working with. She told me that a birth mom was on her way to the hospital and was giving birth. We were given an hour to make the decision and had very little information. I called Justin & we both decided to take the hour to pray! We each had someone that we were able to talk to and were praying with us. Near the end of the hour, Justin called me and asked how I felt. I honestly had no idea. Part of me wanted to say yes and part of me wanted to say no. Justin told me he had no peace about saying yes. We made our decision and I called our agency back. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine that I would say no to a baby. After ending our conversation I knew without hesitation that we made the right decision. 

This morning, I woke up and reached for my phone. My normal routine is to turn off my alarm and then to get in the shower. However, this morning something in me said to check my email. I received an email late last night from the agency. In the email, she told me that we made the right decision and that she is glad we listened to our "gut". Last night, that sweet baby went to be with Jesus. I am so thankful that God told us "no" and that we listened. Today I am praising God for sparing me the hurt and pain that this loss could have brought. I am praising Him for His grace and peace that only He can give. My heart breaks for that birth mom and I am asking for you all to pray for comfort that only Christ can give her.  

Through every experience, I have learned lessons. I have learned very difficult lessons and experienced great joy through our journey. Today, God reminded me how much He loves me and that He is still in control!! 

We are still praying and believing that baby number 2 is on their way! We are praying for not just a baby but the RIGHT baby! 

A Letter... One Year Later

Dear Sweet Boy,

I thought of you today as I was scrolling through Pinterest. My secret board is still there with nursery ideas. I could have deleted it but I have hope that I will soon be blessed with a son. As I write this, I'm reminded of where I was hoping to be today. In my perfect plan, I would be planning your first birthday. In my perfect plan, my family would be complete. However, God's plan is different and better than anything I could imagine. It's hard when I think about the day following your death. I didn't know until early the next morning that you were with Jesus. I will never forget that day & the heartache I experienced. I think about you every day and I will carry you for the rest of my life. Selah sings a song "I Will Carry You" and the lyrics fit perfectly! 

"There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies 

Wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?"

As I think about these lyrics, I am reminded of how much I love you and how much I wanted you. You gave me hope and a desire to grow our family. Losing you opened my eyes and heart to what God has been trying to tell me for a while! I will forever be thankful for you! I hope you have the best birthday with Jesus!

Here is the only picture I have of him! 

Reflection

In 10 days, it will be one year since we lost our son. No, he was not biologically or legally mine. However, when she said that she wanted us, he became mine.

I have spent many hours reflecting our tragic loss and dealing with the aftermath. Several months before, I began taking sermon notes. I am so thankful I started when I did. I have re-read my notes numerous times from the sermon that was preached the Sunday before they died. Our Pastor preached out of the book of Jonah.  One of the points I wrote down said, "God may send a storm in your life to grab your attention." When I wrote those words, I had no idea the storm that was coming my way. 

I do not believe that God brought me to this birth mom and baby just to take him away from me at the end. However, I do believe God allowed the pain and heartache because a change was needed in me. Like Jonah, I was running. I was running from what God had planned. This blog was one of the things I was running from. I have learned and changed so much over this past year. I have learned that I am worthy and that I am free. I have realized I have been "chained" to different fears and worries for many years. I believe that a lot of people are "chained" to different things in their life. Many do not realize that almost 2000 years ago God sent the key. 

As I was flipping through my notes, I found from another sermom where I wrote "Don't just share your message! Share your life!" Until God calls me home, I will continue to share my life and share our story. God has done some amazing things over the past 6 years through this adoption journey. I am thankful for the heartache and thankful for all of the good times. I am a different person today than I was a year ago. Even when your whole world falls apart, God can put it back together better than it was before!

We are patiently waiting for baby number 2 (Of if Hannah has her way... Number 2 and 3).

These are from my spiral (all of these are different days)

All In

All In

          When I finally decided that it was time to begin my blog, I told myself that I would be completely honest about my journey. I have not posted many entries because if I actually wrote down what I am dealing with then I was going to have to be honest. There is a fear of laying it all out on the table and having people reject you. These past few weeks, God has been asking me “are you all in?” Hopefully, at the end of this entry, you will see that I am all in.

          I have been living a life where I have had one foot in the world and one foot with God. I have been giving God my leftovers. I have not spent quality time with God until very recently. I have struggled with my salvation and have wondered if God was even listening to me.

          At the end of July our Pastor talked about the valley of decision. In that service, God got my attention. I hear Him telling me that I was lukewarm and I wasn’t serving Him. I had let the “world” shaped who I was. I was spending more time with playing iPad games then I was spending time with God. Near the end of the sermon, I wrote a page long prayer in my notes. I normally do not write down my prayers but as I read back over this prayer I am seeing my desperation. I was struggling and I was falling apart inside. In that service, I begin a 2 week battle with the question “Am I saved?”

          In those 2 weeks, I spoke with 2 wonderful women in my life. The first sweet lady I spoke with right after that service. She gave me some hope that I desperately needed. I was able to cling to her encouragement over the next few weeks. Her words were exactly what I needed. I have learned so much watching her in this short time that I have known and I will forever be grateful.

          About 2 weeks later, I stood talking with a close friend and tears began to fall down my eyes. I have struggled in the past with my salvation. So, when I brought it up again, her first response was, “Again”? I am laughing as I am typing this because I have a feeling that was God’s response too when this all started. She gave me the best advice. She told me to go home and read through the Romans Road again. I did and it was the best thing that I could have done. As I got to Romans 10:9-13 I heard very clearly what God has been trying to tell me. I have struggled with my salvation because I did not think I was worthy of being saved.

          As I finished reading, I looked at all that I have been battling with and realized everything that I struggle with has to do with self-worth. I do not think I am worthy enough to be Justin’s wife, Hannah’s mom, my parent’s daughter, a teacher, and a friend. I have been battling with this since going to Pink Impact back in May. I have given the enemy a foothold in my life and have allowed him to tear me down in every aspect of my life. I thought if I cleaned the house better than Justin would see me as worthy. I thought if I was super mom and had these great activities planned than Hannah would see that I am worthy. I thought if I did “stuff” for everyone that I cared for then they would see that I was worthy. What I realized sitting in my bed was that none of that mattered. I could wear myself out cleaning my home, taking care of Hannah or spending times with friends but that did not make me worthy. God told me that 2000 years ago, I was worthy enough for Him to send His Son to die on a cross. I realized that my family and friends have seen the worth in me that I haven’t seen in years.

          Last Monday, I finally answered God’s question when He asked me, “Are you all in?” Yes, I am all in. I am not going to straddle the line anymore. I will not keep one foot in the world and one foot with God. God deserves more than my leftovers. God deserves more than Sunday mornings at church. If I want to be the wife, mom, daughter, friend, and teacher that I desire, than I have to be “All In”

          Many have asked about our adoption update. We are patiently waiting for baby number 2. I am content with having just Hannah. Hannah has been praying for twins and I have been praying for one right after she prays. If God sends twins, then I will know without a doubt that God has a sense of humor. Until God answers our prayers, our family will serve Him relentlessly.

 

Time

Tomorrow will be 9 months since we lost our baby and birth mom.  It has been said many times that “time heals all wounds.” I do not agree with this statement. Time is just time. It is what you do during the time that will help heal wounds.

It would have been very easy to do nothing these past 9 months. It would have been easy to allow myself to cry every time I saw a pregnant woman or a baby. To be honest, the first few months I did not do anything to begin the healing process. I shut down emotionally. I built up a wall around me and did not let anyone in. I cried alone and pretended that everything was ok.

God finally got my attention and together we began the healing process. He reminded me of the promises He has made to me; He has not let me down yet. God used my friends, my church, my family, and my students to break down the walls that I have built up. I finally began to grieve the loss of a son that I had been praying and hoping for.

Today in my quiet time it was talking about that God never makes mistakes. It is in the moments when our whole world is falling apart that He is there to comfort and wipe away the tears. God never promised for a walk without issues or heartache. Sometimes some things need to be pruned for something beautiful to grow.

I still make mistakes in my walk and not consistent with my quiet time. Sometimes I wonder if God has given up on me when I don’t talk to Him as I should. I have learned a lot about grace lately and I am thankful for it. I am thankful for this time that God has given me. I am praying that in this waiting and healing time that I grow closer to God and strengthen my walk. I am learning how to me a better mom and wife. My devotional ended with this verse so I thought I would share:

2 Corinthians 12:9- Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.