Thankful for God saying "No"

I have been planning on updating for awhile and have not made the time. This post is very different from what I was originally was going to post. Quick update: we are updating our home study since we have moved. We are having to fill out all of the paper work again and get lots of information for our coordinater. Hopefully we will be ready to go soon!

Yesterday, I received a phone call that I never expected to get. On the other end of the line was the adoption agency we have been working with. She told me that a birth mom was on her way to the hospital and was giving birth. We were given an hour to make the decision and had very little information. I called Justin & we both decided to take the hour to pray! We each had someone that we were able to talk to and were praying with us. Near the end of the hour, Justin called me and asked how I felt. I honestly had no idea. Part of me wanted to say yes and part of me wanted to say no. Justin told me he had no peace about saying yes. We made our decision and I called our agency back. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine that I would say no to a baby. After ending our conversation I knew without hesitation that we made the right decision. 

This morning, I woke up and reached for my phone. My normal routine is to turn off my alarm and then to get in the shower. However, this morning something in me said to check my email. I received an email late last night from the agency. In the email, she told me that we made the right decision and that she is glad we listened to our "gut". Last night, that sweet baby went to be with Jesus. I am so thankful that God told us "no" and that we listened. Today I am praising God for sparing me the hurt and pain that this loss could have brought. I am praising Him for His grace and peace that only He can give. My heart breaks for that birth mom and I am asking for you all to pray for comfort that only Christ can give her.  

Through every experience, I have learned lessons. I have learned very difficult lessons and experienced great joy through our journey. Today, God reminded me how much He loves me and that He is still in control!! 

We are still praying and believing that baby number 2 is on their way! We are praying for not just a baby but the RIGHT baby! 

A Letter... One Year Later

Dear Sweet Boy,

I thought of you today as I was scrolling through Pinterest. My secret board is still there with nursery ideas. I could have deleted it but I have hope that I will soon be blessed with a son. As I write this, I'm reminded of where I was hoping to be today. In my perfect plan, I would be planning your first birthday. In my perfect plan, my family would be complete. However, God's plan is different and better than anything I could imagine. It's hard when I think about the day following your death. I didn't know until early the next morning that you were with Jesus. I will never forget that day & the heartache I experienced. I think about you every day and I will carry you for the rest of my life. Selah sings a song "I Will Carry You" and the lyrics fit perfectly! 

"There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies 

Wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?"

As I think about these lyrics, I am reminded of how much I love you and how much I wanted you. You gave me hope and a desire to grow our family. Losing you opened my eyes and heart to what God has been trying to tell me for a while! I will forever be thankful for you! I hope you have the best birthday with Jesus!

Here is the only picture I have of him! 

Reflection

In 10 days, it will be one year since we lost our son. No, he was not biologically or legally mine. However, when she said that she wanted us, he became mine.

I have spent many hours reflecting our tragic loss and dealing with the aftermath. Several months before, I began taking sermon notes. I am so thankful I started when I did. I have re-read my notes numerous times from the sermon that was preached the Sunday before they died. Our Pastor preached out of the book of Jonah.  One of the points I wrote down said, "God may send a storm in your life to grab your attention." When I wrote those words, I had no idea the storm that was coming my way. 

I do not believe that God brought me to this birth mom and baby just to take him away from me at the end. However, I do believe God allowed the pain and heartache because a change was needed in me. Like Jonah, I was running. I was running from what God had planned. This blog was one of the things I was running from. I have learned and changed so much over this past year. I have learned that I am worthy and that I am free. I have realized I have been "chained" to different fears and worries for many years. I believe that a lot of people are "chained" to different things in their life. Many do not realize that almost 2000 years ago God sent the key. 

As I was flipping through my notes, I found from another sermom where I wrote "Don't just share your message! Share your life!" Until God calls me home, I will continue to share my life and share our story. God has done some amazing things over the past 6 years through this adoption journey. I am thankful for the heartache and thankful for all of the good times. I am a different person today than I was a year ago. Even when your whole world falls apart, God can put it back together better than it was before!

We are patiently waiting for baby number 2 (Of if Hannah has her way... Number 2 and 3).

These are from my spiral (all of these are different days)

All In

All In

          When I finally decided that it was time to begin my blog, I told myself that I would be completely honest about my journey. I have not posted many entries because if I actually wrote down what I am dealing with then I was going to have to be honest. There is a fear of laying it all out on the table and having people reject you. These past few weeks, God has been asking me “are you all in?” Hopefully, at the end of this entry, you will see that I am all in.

          I have been living a life where I have had one foot in the world and one foot with God. I have been giving God my leftovers. I have not spent quality time with God until very recently. I have struggled with my salvation and have wondered if God was even listening to me.

          At the end of July our Pastor talked about the valley of decision. In that service, God got my attention. I hear Him telling me that I was lukewarm and I wasn’t serving Him. I had let the “world” shaped who I was. I was spending more time with playing iPad games then I was spending time with God. Near the end of the sermon, I wrote a page long prayer in my notes. I normally do not write down my prayers but as I read back over this prayer I am seeing my desperation. I was struggling and I was falling apart inside. In that service, I begin a 2 week battle with the question “Am I saved?”

          In those 2 weeks, I spoke with 2 wonderful women in my life. The first sweet lady I spoke with right after that service. She gave me some hope that I desperately needed. I was able to cling to her encouragement over the next few weeks. Her words were exactly what I needed. I have learned so much watching her in this short time that I have known and I will forever be grateful.

          About 2 weeks later, I stood talking with a close friend and tears began to fall down my eyes. I have struggled in the past with my salvation. So, when I brought it up again, her first response was, “Again”? I am laughing as I am typing this because I have a feeling that was God’s response too when this all started. She gave me the best advice. She told me to go home and read through the Romans Road again. I did and it was the best thing that I could have done. As I got to Romans 10:9-13 I heard very clearly what God has been trying to tell me. I have struggled with my salvation because I did not think I was worthy of being saved.

          As I finished reading, I looked at all that I have been battling with and realized everything that I struggle with has to do with self-worth. I do not think I am worthy enough to be Justin’s wife, Hannah’s mom, my parent’s daughter, a teacher, and a friend. I have been battling with this since going to Pink Impact back in May. I have given the enemy a foothold in my life and have allowed him to tear me down in every aspect of my life. I thought if I cleaned the house better than Justin would see me as worthy. I thought if I was super mom and had these great activities planned than Hannah would see that I am worthy. I thought if I did “stuff” for everyone that I cared for then they would see that I was worthy. What I realized sitting in my bed was that none of that mattered. I could wear myself out cleaning my home, taking care of Hannah or spending times with friends but that did not make me worthy. God told me that 2000 years ago, I was worthy enough for Him to send His Son to die on a cross. I realized that my family and friends have seen the worth in me that I haven’t seen in years.

          Last Monday, I finally answered God’s question when He asked me, “Are you all in?” Yes, I am all in. I am not going to straddle the line anymore. I will not keep one foot in the world and one foot with God. God deserves more than my leftovers. God deserves more than Sunday mornings at church. If I want to be the wife, mom, daughter, friend, and teacher that I desire, than I have to be “All In”

          Many have asked about our adoption update. We are patiently waiting for baby number 2. I am content with having just Hannah. Hannah has been praying for twins and I have been praying for one right after she prays. If God sends twins, then I will know without a doubt that God has a sense of humor. Until God answers our prayers, our family will serve Him relentlessly.

 

Time

Tomorrow will be 9 months since we lost our baby and birth mom.  It has been said many times that “time heals all wounds.” I do not agree with this statement. Time is just time. It is what you do during the time that will help heal wounds.

It would have been very easy to do nothing these past 9 months. It would have been easy to allow myself to cry every time I saw a pregnant woman or a baby. To be honest, the first few months I did not do anything to begin the healing process. I shut down emotionally. I built up a wall around me and did not let anyone in. I cried alone and pretended that everything was ok.

God finally got my attention and together we began the healing process. He reminded me of the promises He has made to me; He has not let me down yet. God used my friends, my church, my family, and my students to break down the walls that I have built up. I finally began to grieve the loss of a son that I had been praying and hoping for.

Today in my quiet time it was talking about that God never makes mistakes. It is in the moments when our whole world is falling apart that He is there to comfort and wipe away the tears. God never promised for a walk without issues or heartache. Sometimes some things need to be pruned for something beautiful to grow.

I still make mistakes in my walk and not consistent with my quiet time. Sometimes I wonder if God has given up on me when I don’t talk to Him as I should. I have learned a lot about grace lately and I am thankful for it. I am thankful for this time that God has given me. I am praying that in this waiting and healing time that I grow closer to God and strengthen my walk. I am learning how to me a better mom and wife. My devotional ended with this verse so I thought I would share:

2 Corinthians 12:9- Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

Our Dream

Last week, Justin and I moved out of our home and into a new one. Today, our tenants moved in to our old home. It is a bittersweet moment.

 

Justin and I bought our house 8 years ago. If you were to ask Justin, he would say that this is one of the biggest financial mistakes we have made. We bought at the peak at the market and did lots of upgrades. As I look back at our last 8 years, I know we made the right decision in purchasing our home. Our neighbor encouraged me to apply for a teaching job in Azle. I never would have thought to apply. After being hired, I met an amazing woman that invited us to church. We fell in love with the church and have met so many amazing friends. We would not have had all that we have today without this move to our house. In my mind over the last few weeks, I have been replaying all that we have gone through in our house. I wrote a few of them down!

 

In this house....

 

In this house, I received the phone call that led to my infertility journey.

In this house, I got ready for my college graduation.

In this house, I asked Justin for a divorce.

In this house, we fought for our marriage.

In the house, we began our adoption journey.

In this house, I dealt with rejection from birth moms.

In this house, we received the phone call that Hannah’s birth mom wanted us. J

In this house, we brought Hannah home.

In this house, Hannah said her first word, took her first step, and celebrated her first birthday.

In this house, I learned how to be a mom.

In this house, I received the phone call that our baby and birth mom passed away.

In this house, God reminded me of how blessed I am and that He is still in control.

 

We have been through a lot in this house. I am a different person than I was when we moved in 8 years ago. I would not change our journey for anything. I am who I am today because of it all. 

 

Justin and I have been wanting to move and have some land. We are living our dream. We now have a 4 bedroom home and have plenty of room for baby #2.  I cannot wait to see what happens in this house.

The Waiting Game

Over Spring Break, we mailed our package to an adoption agency. We have officially started the waiting game. As I reflect back over the time we waited for Hannah, I am reminded of the lessons that I have learned. 

1. God's plan is better than mine! I used to pray for a baby; we now pray for the right baby. I want the child that God has planned for us.

2. God is always on time! There were moments while waiting that I told God that it was time and that He needed to send me a baby. After God blessing us with Hannah, I'm grateful and thankful that God's timing is better than mine!

3. I can't put my entire life on hold. Waiting for Hannah, I felt stuck. I wouldn't go places or make plans thinking that I was going to get "the phone call". Now, we have Hannah. We are going to go on with our lives and pray that God's timing is perfect.

On Tuesday, it will be 6 months since our sweet boy met Christ face to face. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I am thankful for the moments of grace that God has given me over the past 6 months. Hearing laughter from Hannah when I am on the brink of tears or my students hugging me when I needed it the most. There are many moments that God reminds me that He is there and carrying me through this time. 

Right now, we are praying for big changes in our family. We are excited to see what God has in store for us!!