Devastating Heartbreak- Part 2

       In a few days, our birth mom and baby will have been gone for 4 months. I have learned more in these past four months than I have during the entire adoption journey.

        In my heart, this little boy was meant to be my son. I miss him every day and imagine what my life would be like today if he was here. I fell in love with him the first time I held the sonogram. I cried listening to his heartbeat; he was strong! I prayed daily for his health and for the strength of his birth mom. I love his birth mom and I will carry them both for the rest of my life.

I imagine him in Heaven running down the streets of gold. In my dreams, I see my Pappaw holding him and bouncing him on his knee. More than anything, I hope as I walk into Heaven he is the second face I see. (I want to see Christ first.) As I am waiting for the day that I meet him face to face, I pray that God entrusts me with another baby to raise.

I have learned that I am strong. I can handle all that comes my way but I cannot do it by myself. I am very blessed to have amazing family, friends, and co-workers that have carried me through these past four months.

I also realized that if I want a miracle in my life, I cannot tell God how it is going to happen. When I first told God that I would go through another adoption, I gave Him a list of demands. Every one of my demands was met in this adoption journey. I know now, that if I am praying for a miracle, I cannot tell God how it will happen.

Every day, God reminds me of how amazing He is when I see Hannah’s sweet face. I know that there is a miracle on the way. I might have to wait many years, but until then, I will continue to walk hand in hand with Christ as I continue on this journey!

 

My Sweet Miracle

A Devastating Heartbreak- Part 1

After going through an emotional journey to get Hannah, I felt complete with her. I did not want to go through another adoption. However, Justin wanted another baby but emotionally; I did not think I could handle it.

        One Sunday morning during praise & worship at church, I felt God saying He wasn’t done with our family. I stood there with tears coming down my face realizing that God had bigger plans for our family.

        I remember telling God later that day what I wanted in our next adoption journey. I wanted to just go through our attorney, I wanted a boy, and I wanted a birth mom close to home. I told God that I would not go looking so He would have to bring the birth mom to us.

        A few months later, a sweet friend called and our journey to baby number two began. Her friend was pregnant and wanted to place the baby up for adoption. We met and had an instant connection. Shortly after meeting the birth mom, we started the paperwork and got the process started. By August, we were completely ready and awaiting the arrival of the baby. Our birth mom was due in October and seemed to be on track.

I received a phone call early one morning expecting to hear that the birth mom was in labor. In a matter of moments, my whole world came crashing down. Our birth mom and baby passed away. I sat crying on our floor in our bedroom longing for someone to hold me. I pulled it together and got ready for work. (I know… I have no idea what I was thinking!) I got to work and completely fell apart. I was able to get sub plans together and I headed for home. My mom came over and spent the day with me. I have never felt so empty. We knew that the birth mom could change her mind but we never expected to lose them.

The next few weeks, I was in survival mode. For my family, I had to keep it together. I returned an outfit that I had bought and started to pack away some things I had set aside. This pain is the reason I did not want to go through another adoption. However, I am stronger than I thought I was. With God, I can get through anything.

 

Answered Prayer

        I am daily reminded of how good God is when I look into the face of my sweet girl. Hannah is a miracle and was made for our family. When we started the adoption process, I didn’t know what to expect or how long it would take. Hannah was born 2 and half years after we started the process.

        I will never forget the two months leading up to her birth. It seemed as if the days went by very slowly. About 2 weeks before Hannah was born, we received a phone call saying that the birth mom was in labor. We were actually in San Marcus, so I booked a flight out of San Antonio and we sped down I-35. We were about 20 minutes out when we got the call saying it was a false alarm. I decided that I did not want to miss the birth so I left a few days later for Tennessee.

        Waiting for Hannah, I faced some of the hardest days of my life. I was alone, an emotional wreck, and was a bit bored. After being in Tennessee for a week, my mom called and told me she was coming to see me. We spent Friday and Saturday hanging out, shopping, and sight-seeing. After settling in Saturday evening, I got the phone call that I had been praying for. We jumped in the car and sped to the hospital. I walked in to the hospital room as they were cleaning Hannah off. I was in complete shock and overwhelmed with emotion. I called my mom and she came to meet me in the nursery. It was amazing; my dream finally came true.

        Hannah showed me that God says “no” for a reason. I am so thankful God said “no” to the other babies. I realized that God’s plan for our family was better than I could have imagined. Today, I have an amazing little girl with a strong personality and she even looks like us. Hannah is my miracle!

Broken Pieces (Originally Written in 2011- before the birth of our daughter)

I have always wanted three things in life; I have wanted to become a teacher, to get married, and to have a child. My life seemed to be on track. I married Justin in February of 2005. I was in the final year of college and starting my year of student teaching when my world came crashing down. On August 16, 2006 I received a phone call that changed my life. The nurse on the phone told me that my test results came back and I had low to no ovary function. She then told me that I needed to come in to the office the next day to talk with her. As I sat in the waiting room next to my mom I felt numb. It felt like I was sitting there for hours. They finally called my name and I walked to the room and sat down. The nurse came in and told me that my results were ones that they would see in someone that was 70 or older and not that of a 22 year old. She told me that there would be a slim chance to me ever having biological children. I cried and felt so alone and abandoned. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew that my dreams were on the line.

          Justin and I were not in a place in our relationship that we were ready to have a family. We knew that eventually we would have to talk about options but at this point we were not ready. Justin and I were struggling in our marriage and at times wanted a divorce. We finally decided to go to counseling to work through our issues. Thanks to a Christian counselor, we were able, with the help of the Lord to save our marriage. As our relationship healed, we realized the longing we had for a child. We went to a fertility doctor and talked about options. We looked through books and looked for an egg donor. After leaving the doctor, we realized that going through fertility was not what God had planned. We talked about adoption and continually prayed about it; we came to the conclusion that adoption was right for us.
          We began the adoption process in January of 2009. We went through stacks of paperwork and lots of training. We officially were approved in July and began the dreaded wait. Our scrapbooks that we made to show our home and family to the birth moms were shown a few times the first year. We were not chosen but were doing okay with the waiting. In September of 2010, our books were shown again and we were not chosen because the birth mom felt that we were too young. At this point, I was frustrated because we had been waiting for more than a year and felt that 27 was not too young to be parents. It was a rough few months and then a phone call came that shocked me. It was less than a month before Christmas and there was an 8 day old baby that a birth mom wanted to make an adoption plan. After 4 days and pressure from others, she changed her mind. It was extremely difficult, I was praying for a baby by Christmas. We made it through the holidays and I began to lose hope of ever being a mom. I received a phone call from our adoption agency on January 11, 2011 and was told that there was an 8 month old little boy that the birth mom wanted to make an adoption plan. We ended up meeting with the birth mom 2 weeks later. I held the little boy, played with him, and fed him. I left the meeting very confused. I knew it didn’t feel right but I just wanted to be a mom. We got the call the next day that we were not chosen.  I was devastated. I cried all the time, I was angry, and I pushed people that I love away from me.

          I finally came to a breaking point. I realized that I was holding all of my emotions in and was depressed. I spoke with my pastor and was given a name for a counselor. My counselor taught me how to work through my emotions and to express my feelings. I learned that I believed a lot of lies from the devil and was telling myself things that were not true. I worked with her for a few months and decided to make a cross to express my journey through this process. There were eight steps that I went through while making the cross.

The Eight Steps

1.  Broken Pieces:

The cross started from a broken fence. A storm passed through the evening before Easter and took down 4 sections of our fence. To my husband, the pieces were trash; however, I saw the beauty in the rubble.

·       The fence and the storm represent the phone call and the meeting with the nurse; I was broken.

·       At the time, I didn’t see the beauty in my brokenness but now I do.

 

2.  Trimmed & Shaped:

My husband and I cut two pieces to be the perfect shape of the cross that I had wanted.

·       Through this process, my husband and I worked on our marriage and “trimmed” things from our lives that were not of God and continued to bring us down.

 

3.  Painted with green

I painted the pieces green because I felt that green represented hope.

·       We were very excited and hopeful when we decided to explore the options of us having a family.

 

4.  Prayers & hope

After the pieces dried, I wrote prayers and verses on the two pieces.

·       We felt very hopeful as we went through all of the paperwork.

·       We were praying for a family and knew that God would give us the desires of our heart.

5.  Black:

I took the pieces and painted them black.

·       The black represents the emptiness that I felt as I went through the disappointments.

·       I felt alone and in a dark room and had no way out. I believed the lies the devil told me and constantly beat myself down.

6.  Layers:

I took different colors, which represent different emotions, and painted layers on the pieces.

v Black- emptiness

v Red- anger

v Green- hope

v Yellow- happy

v Blue- sad

v Orange- excited

v Purple- new beginnings

·       Throughout this entire process, I have felt all of these emotions. At times, I have felt the good and the bad at the same time. This process and wait has been a trying time.

7.  Splatter

I took the same colors and splattered the paint on top of the layers.

 

8.  Glue:

I took the two painted pieces and glued them in place. My cross is now complete.

·       The glue represents Christ. He is the glue that has held me together. When I have crumbled, He has picked me up again.

 

 As I step back and looked at the finish product, I was proud. I took a broken fence that was trash to everyone else and made a cross that represents the journey that I have taken. God has shown me so much over the past five years and it has been worth every heart ache and pain that I have felt. My marriage is solid and we have learned to depend on God and not on things of this world. No words can truly express the difference this journey has made in me but always know that God will not give you more that you can handle. God is good!!

 

My life is different; this is a life that I have never dreamed of or imagined. I have learned over the past 5 years that God’s plan is better than anything that I could dream. Today, I am still waiting on a baby but I am more hopeful than I have ever been before. God has given me a life I have embraced and a life that is full of hope. As I have thought and worked through the last 5 years, I think about how much I have lost. God reminded me of Matthew 16:25 that says “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” It’s true, I have lost a lot but I have gained ten times the amount I lost.

One day I will hold my miracle in my arms; until then, God is still holding me through this process.

First Post

For more than a year, I have wanted to share our adoption story. I have been dragging my feet and finally decided to take the plunge into the blog world. A year ago, this would have been a very different blog. Today, we are on a journey to baby number 2.