A Letter... One Year Later

Dear Sweet Boy,

I thought of you today as I was scrolling through Pinterest. My secret board is still there with nursery ideas. I could have deleted it but I have hope that I will soon be blessed with a son. As I write this, I'm reminded of where I was hoping to be today. In my perfect plan, I would be planning your first birthday. In my perfect plan, my family would be complete. However, God's plan is different and better than anything I could imagine. It's hard when I think about the day following your death. I didn't know until early the next morning that you were with Jesus. I will never forget that day & the heartache I experienced. I think about you every day and I will carry you for the rest of my life. Selah sings a song "I Will Carry You" and the lyrics fit perfectly! 

"There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies 

Wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?"

As I think about these lyrics, I am reminded of how much I love you and how much I wanted you. You gave me hope and a desire to grow our family. Losing you opened my eyes and heart to what God has been trying to tell me for a while! I will forever be thankful for you! I hope you have the best birthday with Jesus!

Here is the only picture I have of him! 

Reflection

In 10 days, it will be one year since we lost our son. No, he was not biologically or legally mine. However, when she said that she wanted us, he became mine.

I have spent many hours reflecting our tragic loss and dealing with the aftermath. Several months before, I began taking sermon notes. I am so thankful I started when I did. I have re-read my notes numerous times from the sermon that was preached the Sunday before they died. Our Pastor preached out of the book of Jonah.  One of the points I wrote down said, "God may send a storm in your life to grab your attention." When I wrote those words, I had no idea the storm that was coming my way. 

I do not believe that God brought me to this birth mom and baby just to take him away from me at the end. However, I do believe God allowed the pain and heartache because a change was needed in me. Like Jonah, I was running. I was running from what God had planned. This blog was one of the things I was running from. I have learned and changed so much over this past year. I have learned that I am worthy and that I am free. I have realized I have been "chained" to different fears and worries for many years. I believe that a lot of people are "chained" to different things in their life. Many do not realize that almost 2000 years ago God sent the key. 

As I was flipping through my notes, I found from another sermom where I wrote "Don't just share your message! Share your life!" Until God calls me home, I will continue to share my life and share our story. God has done some amazing things over the past 6 years through this adoption journey. I am thankful for the heartache and thankful for all of the good times. I am a different person today than I was a year ago. Even when your whole world falls apart, God can put it back together better than it was before!

We are patiently waiting for baby number 2 (Of if Hannah has her way... Number 2 and 3).

These are from my spiral (all of these are different days)