All
In
When
I finally decided that it was time to begin my blog, I told myself that I would
be completely honest about my journey. I have not posted many entries because
if I actually wrote down what I am dealing with then I was going to have to be
honest. There is a fear of laying it all out on the table and having people
reject you. These past few weeks, God has been asking me “are you all in?”
Hopefully, at the end of this entry, you will see that I am all in.
I
have been living a life where I have had one foot in the world and one foot
with God. I have been giving God my leftovers. I have not spent quality time
with God until very recently. I have struggled with my salvation and have
wondered if God was even listening to me.
At
the end of July our Pastor talked about the valley of decision. In that service,
God got my attention. I hear Him telling me that I was lukewarm and I wasn’t serving
Him. I had let the “world” shaped who I was. I was spending more time with
playing iPad games then I was spending time with God. Near the end of the
sermon, I wrote a page long prayer in my notes. I normally do not write down my
prayers but as I read back over this prayer I am seeing my desperation. I was struggling
and I was falling apart inside. In that service, I begin a 2 week battle with
the question “Am I saved?”
In
those 2 weeks, I spoke with 2 wonderful women in my life. The first sweet lady
I spoke with right after that service. She gave me some hope that I desperately
needed. I was able to cling to her encouragement over the next few weeks. Her
words were exactly what I needed. I have learned so much watching her in this
short time that I have known and I will forever be grateful.
About
2 weeks later, I stood talking with a close friend and tears began to fall down
my eyes. I have struggled in the past with my salvation. So, when I brought it
up again, her first response was, “Again”? I am laughing as I am typing this
because I have a feeling that was God’s response too when this all started. She
gave me the best advice. She told me to go home and read through the Romans
Road again. I did and it was the best thing that I could have done. As I got to
Romans 10:9-13 I heard very clearly what God has been trying to tell me. I have
struggled with my salvation because I did not think I was worthy of being
saved.
As
I finished reading, I looked at all that I have been battling with and realized
everything that I struggle with has to do with self-worth. I do not think I am
worthy enough to be Justin’s wife, Hannah’s mom, my parent’s daughter, a
teacher, and a friend. I have been battling with this since going to Pink
Impact back in May. I have given the enemy a foothold in my life and have
allowed him to tear me down in every aspect of my life. I thought if I cleaned
the house better than Justin would see me as worthy. I thought if I was super
mom and had these great activities planned than Hannah would see that I am
worthy. I thought if I did “stuff” for everyone that I cared for then they
would see that I was worthy. What I realized sitting in my bed was that none of
that mattered. I could wear myself out cleaning my home, taking care of Hannah or
spending times with friends but that did not make me worthy. God told me that
2000 years ago, I was worthy enough for Him to send His Son to die on a cross.
I realized that my family and friends have seen the worth in me that I haven’t seen
in years.
Last
Monday, I finally answered God’s question when He asked me, “Are you all in?”
Yes, I am all in. I am not going to straddle the line anymore. I will not keep
one foot in the world and one foot with God. God deserves more than my
leftovers. God deserves more than Sunday mornings at church. If I want to be
the wife, mom, daughter, friend, and teacher that I desire, than I have to be “All
In”
Many
have asked about our adoption update. We are patiently waiting for baby number
2. I am content with having just Hannah. Hannah has been praying for twins and
I have been praying for one right after she prays. If God sends twins, then I will
know without a doubt that God has a sense of humor. Until God answers our
prayers, our family will serve Him relentlessly.