All In

All In

          When I finally decided that it was time to begin my blog, I told myself that I would be completely honest about my journey. I have not posted many entries because if I actually wrote down what I am dealing with then I was going to have to be honest. There is a fear of laying it all out on the table and having people reject you. These past few weeks, God has been asking me “are you all in?” Hopefully, at the end of this entry, you will see that I am all in.

          I have been living a life where I have had one foot in the world and one foot with God. I have been giving God my leftovers. I have not spent quality time with God until very recently. I have struggled with my salvation and have wondered if God was even listening to me.

          At the end of July our Pastor talked about the valley of decision. In that service, God got my attention. I hear Him telling me that I was lukewarm and I wasn’t serving Him. I had let the “world” shaped who I was. I was spending more time with playing iPad games then I was spending time with God. Near the end of the sermon, I wrote a page long prayer in my notes. I normally do not write down my prayers but as I read back over this prayer I am seeing my desperation. I was struggling and I was falling apart inside. In that service, I begin a 2 week battle with the question “Am I saved?”

          In those 2 weeks, I spoke with 2 wonderful women in my life. The first sweet lady I spoke with right after that service. She gave me some hope that I desperately needed. I was able to cling to her encouragement over the next few weeks. Her words were exactly what I needed. I have learned so much watching her in this short time that I have known and I will forever be grateful.

          About 2 weeks later, I stood talking with a close friend and tears began to fall down my eyes. I have struggled in the past with my salvation. So, when I brought it up again, her first response was, “Again”? I am laughing as I am typing this because I have a feeling that was God’s response too when this all started. She gave me the best advice. She told me to go home and read through the Romans Road again. I did and it was the best thing that I could have done. As I got to Romans 10:9-13 I heard very clearly what God has been trying to tell me. I have struggled with my salvation because I did not think I was worthy of being saved.

          As I finished reading, I looked at all that I have been battling with and realized everything that I struggle with has to do with self-worth. I do not think I am worthy enough to be Justin’s wife, Hannah’s mom, my parent’s daughter, a teacher, and a friend. I have been battling with this since going to Pink Impact back in May. I have given the enemy a foothold in my life and have allowed him to tear me down in every aspect of my life. I thought if I cleaned the house better than Justin would see me as worthy. I thought if I was super mom and had these great activities planned than Hannah would see that I am worthy. I thought if I did “stuff” for everyone that I cared for then they would see that I was worthy. What I realized sitting in my bed was that none of that mattered. I could wear myself out cleaning my home, taking care of Hannah or spending times with friends but that did not make me worthy. God told me that 2000 years ago, I was worthy enough for Him to send His Son to die on a cross. I realized that my family and friends have seen the worth in me that I haven’t seen in years.

          Last Monday, I finally answered God’s question when He asked me, “Are you all in?” Yes, I am all in. I am not going to straddle the line anymore. I will not keep one foot in the world and one foot with God. God deserves more than my leftovers. God deserves more than Sunday mornings at church. If I want to be the wife, mom, daughter, friend, and teacher that I desire, than I have to be “All In”

          Many have asked about our adoption update. We are patiently waiting for baby number 2. I am content with having just Hannah. Hannah has been praying for twins and I have been praying for one right after she prays. If God sends twins, then I will know without a doubt that God has a sense of humor. Until God answers our prayers, our family will serve Him relentlessly.