I have always wanted three things in
life; I have wanted to become a teacher, to get married, and to have a child.
My life seemed to be on track. I married Justin in February of 2005. I was in
the final year of college and starting my year of student teaching when my
world came crashing down. On August 16, 2006 I received a phone call that
changed my life. The nurse on the phone told me that my test results came back
and I had low to no ovary function. She then told me that I needed to come in
to the office the next day to talk with her. As I sat in the waiting room next
to my mom I felt numb. It felt like I was sitting there for hours. They finally
called my name and I walked to the room and sat down. The nurse came in and
told me that my results were ones that they would see in someone that was 70 or
older and not that of a 22 year old. She told me that there would be a slim
chance to me ever having biological children. I cried and felt so alone and
abandoned. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew that my dreams
were on the line.
Justin
and I were not in a place in our relationship that we were ready to have a
family. We knew that eventually we would have to talk about options but at this
point we were not ready. Justin and I were struggling in our marriage and at
times wanted a divorce. We finally decided to go to counseling to work through
our issues. Thanks to a Christian counselor, we were able, with the help of the
Lord to save our marriage. As our relationship healed, we realized the longing
we had for a child. We went to a fertility doctor and talked about options. We
looked through books and looked for an egg donor. After leaving the doctor, we
realized that going through fertility was not what God had planned. We talked
about adoption and continually prayed about it; we came to the conclusion that
adoption was right for us.
We began the adoption process in
January of 2009. We went through stacks of paperwork and lots of training. We
officially were approved in July and began the dreaded wait. Our scrapbooks
that we made to show our home and family to the birth moms were shown a few
times the first year. We were not chosen but were doing okay with the waiting. In
September of 2010, our books were shown again and we were not chosen because the
birth mom felt that we were too young. At this point, I was frustrated because
we had been waiting for more than a year and felt that 27 was not too young to
be parents. It was a rough few months and then a phone call came that shocked
me. It was less than a month before Christmas and there was an 8 day old baby
that a birth mom wanted to make an adoption plan. After 4 days and pressure
from others, she changed her mind. It was extremely difficult, I was praying
for a baby by Christmas. We made it through the holidays and I began to lose
hope of ever being a mom. I received a phone call from our adoption agency on
January 11, 2011 and was told that there was an 8 month old little boy that the
birth mom wanted to make an adoption plan. We ended up meeting with the birth
mom 2 weeks later. I held the little boy, played with him, and fed him. I left
the meeting very confused. I knew it didn’t feel right but I just wanted to be
a mom. We got the call the next day that we were not chosen. I was devastated. I cried all the time, I was
angry, and I pushed people that I love away from me.
I
finally came to a breaking point. I realized that I was holding all of my
emotions in and was depressed. I spoke with my pastor and was given a name for
a counselor. My counselor taught me how to work through my emotions and to
express my feelings. I learned that I believed a lot of lies from the devil and
was telling myself things that were not true. I worked with her for a few
months and decided to make a cross to express my journey through this process.
There were eight steps that I went through while making the cross.
The
Eight Steps
1. Broken
Pieces:
The
cross started from a broken fence. A storm passed through the evening before
Easter and took down 4 sections of our fence. To my husband, the pieces were
trash; however, I saw the beauty in the rubble.
· The
fence and the storm represent the phone call and the meeting with the nurse; I
was broken.
· At
the time, I didn’t see the beauty in my brokenness but now I do.
2. Trimmed
& Shaped:
My
husband and I cut two pieces to be the perfect shape of the cross that I had
wanted.
· Through
this process, my husband and I worked on our marriage and “trimmed” things from
our lives that were not of God and continued to bring us down.
3. Painted
with green
I
painted the pieces green because I felt that green represented hope.
· We
were very excited and hopeful when we decided to explore the options of us
having a family.
4. Prayers
& hope
After
the pieces dried, I wrote prayers and verses on the two pieces.
· We
felt very hopeful as we went through all of the paperwork.
· We
were praying for a family and knew that God would give us the desires of our
heart.
5. Black:
I took the
pieces and painted them black.
· The
black represents the emptiness that I felt as I went through the
disappointments.
· I
felt alone and in a dark room and had no way out. I believed the lies the devil
told me and constantly beat myself down.
6. Layers:
I
took different colors, which represent different emotions, and painted layers
on the pieces.
v Black-
emptiness
v Red-
anger
v Green-
hope
v Yellow-
happy
v Blue-
sad
v Orange-
excited
v Purple-
new beginnings
· Throughout
this entire process, I have felt all of these emotions. At times, I have felt
the good and the bad at the same time. This process and wait has been a trying
time.
7. Splatter
I
took the same colors and splattered the paint on top of the layers.
8. Glue:
I
took the two painted pieces and glued them in place. My cross is now complete.
· The glue
represents Christ. He is the glue that has held me together. When I have
crumbled, He has picked me up again.
As I step
back and looked at the finish product, I was proud. I took a broken fence that
was trash to everyone else and made a cross that represents the journey that I
have taken. God has shown me so much over the past five years and it has been
worth every heart ache and pain that I have felt. My marriage is solid and we
have learned to depend on God and not on things of this world. No words can
truly express the difference this journey has made in me but always know that
God will not give you more that you can handle. God is good!!
My life is
different; this is a life that I have never dreamed of or imagined. I have
learned over the past 5 years that God’s plan is better than anything that I
could dream. Today, I am still waiting on a baby but I am more hopeful than I
have ever been before. God has given me a life I have embraced and a life that
is full of hope. As I have thought and worked through the last 5 years, I think
about how much I have lost. God reminded me of Matthew 16:25 that says “For
whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life
for my sake shall find it.” It’s true, I have lost a lot but I have gained ten
times the amount I lost.
One day I
will hold my miracle in my arms; until then, God is still holding me through
this process.
